My Love Letter to My Deceased Dad

Daddy, I Love You - 

On November 4, 2021, my dad Mark Lefler went into the arms of Jesus. I had the kind of relationship sons long to have with their fathers. I wish more people could have dads like mine, and I wish I could have had my dad for a little bit longer. I have never felt such a debilitating pain in my gut, or such a gaping hole in my heart. I can't imagine how the trembling, the love, or the loss will ever fade. Right now I can only limp forward carrying the legacy and lore of a dad I loved more than any other man on this earth. I can only listen to years of voicemails from a dad who wanted nothing more than to connect and make this kid feel like a king. I’m so beyond grateful to have a video of my wedding, which my dad officiated and sang to me and Sara. That video will always be more valuable than gold. 

For the next few minutes I will share a Eulogy I wrote to my father, with the goal to inspire you, to move you, and  to paint a picture of how great an imperfect parent can be.

Some of you knew my dad as a friend, an avid gardener, a co-worker, a brother, or a husband. But I knew him simply as daddy. Although it may seem weird to many that a 34 year old would still call his dad, daddy, it speaks to the depth of our relationship and the intimacy of my adoration for him.

My dad was a pastor’s kid, and thankfully he was one who did not hate the church despite being a pastor’s kid. He raised us to attend every church service, sometimes to the dismay of his four young boys, and rarely did he hesitate to offer support to those who were hurting. In fact, his favorite Christmas gifts were when we boys purchased gifts for families needing support around the holidays. 

Teaching me to drive:

From a very young age I was always impressed by how my dad could drive with one knee. Now, I do the same thing. In fact, during my first one-on-one drive with dad I tried to drive with just one knee and no hands. After about a minute of this, dad noticed and said, “Put your hands on that steering wheel or I’ll never let you drive again! Where did you learn that?” I said, “Dad, you do it all the time and I just wanted to drive like you!” We both had an incredibly good laugh. 

My daddy was cool:

Dad was the king of embarrassing his children—all for fun, of course. One time, dad hosted a “guys” movie and pizza night for the guys in our youth group. I was so pumped because I knew the other guys would love dad, too. It happened to rain very heavily that evening. After the movie was done and the rain had stopped, we went outside, which was a mistake! Haha! When mom and dad were first married, dad worked in a factory in town and due to his work there, a hole was formed inside his nose. He loved to embarrass us by putting straws and pencils through the hole in his nose. Well, this one guys’ night, he took a very long earthworm (the ones that appear after a hard rain), and put it through his nose. He loved making us laugh and embarrassing us. Mostly though, I loved how all of my friends loved my dad. My dad was someone I wanted to introduce people to. 

I wanted to look like him:

Large glasses for both men and women were very popular in the late 80s and early 90s. In first grade I got a new pair of glasses, and let’s just say, I threw a big temper tantrum the day we were picking them out. I wanted glasses just like my dad. The glasses I had picked out were way too big for my face, but they looked like daddy’s. Mom gave in, and I got them. I was and always will be so proud to look like dad. I remember proudly wearing my clip-on-tie regularly to church so I would look like him.

I am who I am because of my Dad

I want my future kids to know that I am who I am because of my dad. I may keep the “honey-do” list long and forget to finish some projects. But I’ll always choose to stop and love the person right in front of me. If the Lord blesses us with kids, I will for certain wake them up rudely too early just so I can scream, “Rise and Shine!” and then run and tickle them in bed. 

I want to be like dad to my kids when my kids approach me with difficult and often embarrassing/shameful admitting conversations. My dad saved me from lifelong shameful opinions of my self, and taught me how to forgive when I certainly did want to. He was a dad that taught me how to live by putting the other person first, forgiving even when it seemed impossible, and choosing Christlike selflessness. 

My poem to daddy: My Hero

On the morning of my wedding day I gave dad this poem, which I thankfully found while searching through pictures this week. I gave it to him as my gift to him, letting him know how wonderful of a childhood I had, and how I wouldn’t change a thing, even when it was really tough. I wrote him: 

I was scared to play the game again, 

Having taken too many hits to the chest,

But I overheard you say to mom, 

I was one of the best.

I, fearing the stage

While uncontrollably waggling the mic cord

I heard my dad later brag,

“Did you hear my son today?”

Struggling to believe I’m worth loving

And a phone call full of tears

A hug from you releases all my fears

Words and smiles mark my mind

The memories I can't forget,

My dad has said he's proud of me

With that I am content

In the fall of my spirit

When life is the loudest 

Your hugs will always sustain me

Dad, I can't tell you what you've meant

Wish I could share more

But know you've made this boy a Jesus-loving-man

My dad was not perfect, but he was a family man

My dad was not perfect. He, like me, had many flaws. At times he was selfish, too quick to be offended, often struggled with deep insecurities, and would hold his dear son, me, under his armpit when I believed him that it smelt like oranges! 

Nonetheless, the passion he had for mom, us kids, and his grandkids was palpable. I’ll never forget the deep affection he showed toward mom on the morning of her breast cancer surgery. After the 100th time of him asking us boys, “Do you think your mom knows how much I love and adore her?” We assured him, “Well, we sure do now.” Mom, he knew he didn’t deserve your grace and love, but let’s be honest, we all know you are the best. Dad loved you. Thank you for never giving up on him, and for loving him unconditionally.

With “never giving up on him,” dad never gave up on us boys. To quote my brother Mark’s beautiful words, “it was ingrained in me to never stop, never give up. All I can do is sit here and hear dad telling me, “Mark, get up and try again.” Dad I wish I could go back and be a better son, brother, friend, but if I hadn’t fallen how would I get back up?…we had our trials, our tribulations, but you were always my dad and never gave up on me.” I echo Mark’s words. Dad never gave up on us boys. He loved us unconditionally. 

If you were to hear from him in the last year, you may have heard a lot about his garden and mom’s canning skills, but it was easy to see what he cared most about: his family. Dad wanted a pool so badly so that we would all want to come party at his house.

To mom from Jeremy

This is the man I knew, but I know there’s so much more to him than just my memory.

Mom, I know no relationship is perfect. I’m sure there were tough times and difficult moments that you guys shielded us kids from. I remember talking through one with you. I know it was hard. But despite any hardship, I always could tell your love for him was unconditional. And although it wasn’t long enough, the 43 years you gave that man gave me the father that we celebrate and mourn today. Look at these four boys you created. So many children today grow up without a dad. But your husband molded and shaped these boys into men. That’s the dad we celebrate.

The dad I got was because of the wife you were. Thank you!

Closing:

I know so many people who go through life not knowing if their dad loved them, not knowing if he believed in them, not knowing if he was proud of them. But I never once had to have that doubt. In August, Sara and I stayed with mom and dad for awhile. The day we left to move into our new apartment was the saddest day, because dad said, “I’ve loved having you stay. I wish it could be longer.” I know how that feels now. Goodbye dad. I love you forever.

In closing: Dad gave the best hugs. Every time I hugged dad, and after saying I love you, he would say, “I loved you first and mostest.” 

So now dad, my final words to your earthly body: “I love you last and I’m thankful you loved me first and mostest.”