How to Survive Christmas Grief
How to Survive Christmas Grief
There’s nothing like a warm fire, a beautifully lit Christmas tree, a traditional family meal, and a family gathering to remind you what you’ve lost. Whether you lost a parent, a loved one, a relationship, or moved communities because of a new job, Christmas can be tough if you’ve experienced loss this year. Grief during the holidays can make Christmas seem like anything but the happiest time of the year.
This was my Christmas last year. My dad died unexpectedly in November of 2021, and Christmas was filled with more sorrow than joy. For many of us, the warm, joyous feelings of Christmas are attached to the people we spend Christmas with. People and relationships made us who we are today. So, what do we do when the Christmas season is filled with more grief than joy?
Here are a few thoughts I wish I had known last year about living with grief during Christmas:
Our grief is our reaction to the void left in our hearts when a loved one passes away.
Although I am not lonely, not even in the slightest, the void left behind daily reminds me that I can’t call dad, hug dad, or ask for advice from dad. The loss feels similar to loneliness.
Think in cycles, not lines.
We all handle grief differently; the holiday season can bring back memories that intensify sensitive memories. Remember, a bad emotional day is not a day of relapse, but a day you feel their love again. Last year we watched a Christmas movie where a boy’s dad died. I cried, although it was an incredible movie. Seeing the boy's grief exposed my grief. Crying is good. Crying is a step forward, not a step backward.
Do the basics every day.
The deep emotions that accompany grief often lead people into a deep depression where basic daily routines like getting up, eating regularly, showering, or brushing your teeth seem like an almost impossible task. One of the best things you can do while grieving is to get up at the same time each day and create a simple morning routine.
Indulge in self-care weekly.
It is often tempting to adopt the “caretaker” role and care for everyone else around without caring for yourself. Like how the flight attendant tells you to put your oxygen mask on first, you must take care of yourself before you can genuinely care for someone else well. Something Sara and I did early on was set aside a night each week to just veg and grant ourselves permission to accomplish nothing but to be. Self-care can be doing something and giving yourself consent to be okay if you are not.
Healing takes our grief from heart-wrenching pain to heartfelt gratitude.
Each time I randomly think of a beautiful memory of dad, I simultaneously feel both heart-wrenching and uplifting emotions. Not only is this typical, but it’s also beautiful. These mixed emotions speak to the depth of your gratitude for this relationship and highlight how much you miss your loved one.
Do not isolate yourself due to your grief; grief feels lonely enough. Stay connected.
Appropriately share with a safe, close friend, but do not go around bashing people if they hurt you. Make sure to take responsibility for what you are responsible for and acknowledge what is not your fault. I can struggle to take on all the “awful” and blame myself. Not everything is your fault; stop blaming yourself for everything. But, do take responsibility for your part in the mess and choose to grow and mature through the mess.
It’s okay if Christmas is weird this year; it’s supposed to be.
Just choosing to gather together as a family is something to celebrate. Sometimes just existing and allowing the intense waves of life to hit you but not drown you is a WIN! Healing is not linear. Recovery isn’t consistent and isn’t always instant. Just like the stages of grief, healing has stages. Acknowledge the stage you are in and look forward to the next step; just the next step. Your existence is a triumph! Celebrate today! You and your family deserve it.
Grief is not your entire existence.
This one may seem insensitive, but I wish someone had told me this last year. Write down the good and the bad. Be honest and fair with yourself. Suppose you only consider the worst-case scenarios and do not pair them with the best-case scenarios. In that case, you are not giving yourself a chance to receive the beauty that is still in your life.
Some holidays, such as Christmas, remind many of this dynamic: life is beautiful and awful. Before November 4, 2021, I never truly understood the depth of the pain many feel when these special holidays approach. Then my dad died.
Don’t miss me; I love holidays like Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day. It is excellent for us to stop and love those who have significantly impacted our lives. But, these holidays bring on emotions both beautiful and awful.
I pray that the Holy Spirit fills you with strength and peace that surpasses all understanding.