How I Forgave What I Can’t Forget
How I Forgave What I Can’t Forget
The 12 Days of Christmas start TODAY! What is your number one wish for Christmas this year? My mind quickly went to new golf clubs, a new tennis racquet, a new pair of shoes, or some other materialistic thing. Flatter your future self and me for a moment: what is your number one Christmas wish that does not involve spending money? It could be a healed relationship, a promotion at work, more quality time with a friend, or a thank you from your boss. In full transparency, I wish for strength and boldness to forgive someone and something I can't forget. I wish forgiveness wasn't so complicated or that it didn't seem impossible so often.
Are you stuck in a cycle of continuous pain and are over it? Yeah, me too. The thought of addressing my need to forgive someone or to receive forgiveness this Christmas is overwhelming. Yet, it would be the best Christmas gift I can give to someone I love.
Last year was the Christmas my dad died. Joy was hard to believe in. This year is the Christmas I bounce between joy and melancholy, battling self-talk that makes it hard for me to look comfortably in the mirror. Forgiveness is on my mind this Christmas. I need to continue to forgive something I can't forget. Forgiveness is hard, and I hate it. (I will continue to be intentionally vague with my situation's specifics as the stories are not just mine to share.)
Forgiveness is a complex and personal process that takes time and effort. Before I share a few thoughts on why forgiveness may be the best gift you can give this Christmas (or ask for), let me start by sharing what forgiveness is and is not. It's important to remember that forgiveness is not about condoning or excusing the actions of the person who has wronged you. This only enables future pain inflicted on you. Forgiveness is also not forgetting. Instead, it's about letting go of your anger and resentment and finding a way to move forward.
If you need or want to give forgiveness this Christmas, consider this: you can either hold on to anger and resentment or embrace forgiveness and move forward.
Here are a few practical things I've done this year that have helped me forgive something I will never forget.
Acknowledge and understand your emotions: It's natural to feel angry and hurt when someone has wronged you. Take time to recognize and validate your feelings. Be honest with your feelings. I printed out a "feeling wheel" and use it regularly when I am getting emotional and don't know how to express my feelings. I encourage you to do the same.
Consider the other person's perspective: As the saying goes, "put yourself in their shoes." Try to understand why the other person may have acted the way they did. This can help you see the situation differently and make forgiving easier. One significant life lesson I learned in 2022 is that I assume too much about people. Our minds need a finished story, and more than we know, our assumptions conclude the missing pieces of stories. Our premises may cause us to trade long-term love and forgiveness for immediate comfort and satisfaction. Wisely grant the person space and time to share their side of things. This may be the best gift you give them this Christmas.
Let go of anger and resentment: Holding onto anger and resentment will only hurt you in the long run. It can damage your mental and physical health and prevent you from moving forward. Let go of these negative emotions and focus on healing and moving forward. Reminder, letting go is not irresponsibly forgetting because forgiveness is not forgetting.
Acknowledge the act that hurt you may always be with you. You may never forget it. The example in my life that inspired this blog post may never be forgotten. I accept that. However, I refuse to allow the memory of it to prevent me from my healing and for the relationship that I desperately want to heal to heal. I didn't accept this immediately, and you probably won't either. Instead of expecting my forgiveness to help me forget what they did to me, I choose to forgive and remember with forgiveness.
Practice self-care and self-love: Taking care of yourself is essential when forgiving someone. This may include practicing relaxation techniques, talking to a therapist or counselor, or engaging in activities you enjoy. Sara and I made the most significant budget shift of our 13-year marriage in 2022: we added a personal self-care line for each of us. We realized that for "us" to be healthy, we individually needed to be healthy. Although we have always prioritized date nights, we struggle to prioritize "me" days. We desire to give each other our bests, and we determined that meant practicing self-care. So now we each have the funds and resources to practice self-care and self-love. We took this one step further by granting the other person power to hold us accountable for practicing self-care and self-love by using all the funds. Practicing self-care and self-love through acts of forgiveness may lessen the burden the unfair act(s) have on you.
Consider forgiveness: Once you have acknowledged and understood your emotions, let go of anger and resentment and instead practice self-care. Then you may be ready to consider forgiveness. Forgiveness is not about forgetting or condoning the other person's actions but rather about letting go of negative emotions and finding a way to move forward. Forgiveness does not mean the relationship will be reconciled - although I hope it can be where it should be.
Remember, forgiveness is a personal process, and it's essential to do what feels right. Don't be afraid to seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional if needed.
Lastly, if you ever have the mindset that you will NOT forgive someone who hurt or offended you, read these words from Jesus in the New Testament and ask what the implications of Jesus' teachings on forgiveness are?
"Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?" "No, not seven times," Jesus says, "but seventy times seven!
Matthew 18:21-22
Jesus said this just before he died on the cross: "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing." Jesus at the cross
Luke 23:34
"When you pray, first forgive anyone you hold a grudge against so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too."
Mark 11:25
*written by Jeremy Lefler