Anxiety: 4 Things I Wish My Friends Understood

Anxiety: 4 Things I Wish My Friends Understood

Unanswered texts. Ignored phone calls. Cold responses to a warm welcome. Have a friend, family member, or spouse who left you on "read," and it frustrates you to no end? 

This post hopes to summarize my personal story of how a friend helped me discover I was struggling with anxiety and share what I now hope my loved ones understand.

Living with anxiety can make basic friendship expectations hard to execute. Living with someone with anxiety can be very difficult. 

I'll never forget the day I discovered I struggled with anxiety and depression. My best friend, Daniel Eccles, was living in Portland, Oregon, and despite his many calls and texts, I could not connect with him. Thankfully, Daniel, who at the time was finishing up his master's in mental health therapy, left me a blunt, honest, and loving voicemail. He said, "Jeremy, I love you, but you are making it hard to be your friend when you never text and call back. Are you okay? I'm here for you. Please call me back." 

Daniel knew I was struggling. The church Sara and I planted was failing, and I had wrapped my entire identity in the success or failure of the church. My misaligned identity left me to only my self-depricating instrusive thoughts. I wanted to answer his calls and respond to his texts, but the little voice in my head paralyzed my hands. The little voice in my head continuously stopped me from returning his calls even though I wanted to talk to him so badly. 

Unbeknownst to me, I was living with situational anxiety. I am forever indebted to Daniel for calling me out of my self-destructive head space and informing me of my struggle with anxiety. Here is the thing, Daniel wasn't the first one to ask me how I was doing. He wasn't the first one to ask me how he could help. My wife, who has a deeper anxiety story - meaning she knew some of what was happening in my mind - asked me daily how she could help. My answer was annoying everyone who offered to help. All I could say was, "I don't know. I need help understanding what is happening. I am never like this. I am a social butterfly incapable of texting or calling my best friend back."

Four years later, and after many days of prayer, journalling, and the help of the Holy Spirit, I know a few things about my anxiety. 

Here are the four things I wish I could say four years ago about my anxiety. Your main things may be different, but I pray with the help of the Holy Spirit through your daily prayer and your regular practice of the presence of God in your life, you are soon able to articulate what your anxiety means for you, too. 

1) "For real, it's not you; it's me." 

I desperately wanted to talk to my friends. I desperately wanted to speak to Daniel. I wasn't blowing people off, and I wasn't ignoring Daniel. My anxiety made me feel like I was drowning above water. I desperately wanted to answer the phone, but my intrusive voices paralyzed my emotions and my ability to engage with anyone, even Daniel. 

2) Keep texting and calling even if I don't respond.

I am beyond grateful that Daniel never stopped texting and calling, even after I hurt his feelings. I am so thankful Daniel loved me despite how my anxiety was treating him. 

3) My anxiety was an invisible force I couldn't fully explain.

My anxiety was an invisible force. It was a headache no pain medicine could remedy. It was a headache without sinus pressure. It was heartache without a skipped beat. I wish my anxieties were caused by a professional boxer repeatedly hitting me in the head; at least I would have something tangible to blame. But rather than understanding the cause for my anxiety, I felt more like a dog on the 4th of July: easily spooked and not ready to calm down after a treat. 

4) I was so much more than my anxiety. 

Daniel told me this several times before I finally believed him, but he was right. I am more than the anxious, intrusive thoughts that once paralyzed me. I am a hard-working, passionate, energetic extrovert who loves people and cares deeply for people. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ who is committed to daily practicing the presence of God by being grateful for His love and grace for me. I am a husband who adores his wife more than any other person. I am a friend who deeply cares for my friends and appreciates them every time someone asks me how I am doing. 

What would you add or take away from this list?

This Christmas, give yourself grace and give your friends and loved-ones grace. Your love is the best gift you can give them this Christmas.