Healing: A Break-Up Survival Guide
Breaking up is hard to do or experience. Whether it was an amicable parting of ways or a chaotic collision of emotions, breakups shake us to our very core. I am so sorry you are going through or have gone through this. I want you to know you are seen, loved, and cherished. It's okay to feel the way you do. I believe in you. I love you as my brother or sister in Christ!
Breakups are like emotional earthquakes, shaking the very foundation of our lives. It's a rollercoaster ride through a terrain of heartache, confusion, anger, and self-discovery. But, don't despair! Behind every tear, there's an opportunity for growth. After every broken heart, you can discover a more substantial, wiser, and more fabulous you in Christ.
Breakups can be one of life's most challenging and emotionally taxing experiences. Whether it's an amicable parting or a painful separation, the aftermath can leave you feeling lost and hurt. However, it's crucial to remember that healing and growth are possible. In this blog post, we'll explore what to do after someone breaks up with you and how to navigate this difficult period in your life. So, grab a tissue and a willing spirit because we're about to embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing that's anything but ordinary. As the Apostle Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:17-18, "This too shall pass."
The first thing you need to do is to allow yourself to feel.
Breathe. Cry. Be sad. Be safely angry. Be upset. These emotions are the byproducts of your grief. Grief is a complex and deeply emotional response to loss. It is a natural reaction to various losses, not just the death of a loved one but also the loss of a relationship, a job, health, or even a cherished dream. Grief can encompass many emotions, thoughts, and behaviors and often brings sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, shock, and relief. Relief isn't the feeling you have as you read this, but for some, it is.
Nonetheless, you must allow yourself to feel your emotions. Grief is a natural and necessary process for coming to terms with significant losses in life. While it can be excruciating, it also serves as a means of adaptation and healing.
When you are ready to look within yourself and discover why this loss is so painful and challenging, I find it helpful to list the seven forms of loss and what they mean specifically for me now that I am grieving this significant loss. The same can be beneficial for you. This only helps clarify the emotions behind your grief. The 7 forms of loss are:
Loss of identity
Loss of Turf
Loss of structure and life as planned
Loss of control
Loss of future
Loss of attachments to people and things - our social network
Loss of meaning
Second, you need to call a close (safe) friend.
Lean into your community to fill your unexpected void of love and connection. Loneliness after divorce or a breakup is a common and understandable emotional response to the end of a significant relationship. A study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that loneliness peaks in the immediate aftermath of a breakup or divorce. It can be particularly intense in the first few months.
Loneliness following a divorce or breakup can significantly impact mental health. Feelings of loneliness are associated with increased stress, anxiety, and depression. This proves we need community while grieving the loss of a significant relationship. I, too, struggle with this, and I am a raging extrovert. However, in my two most painful moments of grief - the loss of my dad and Sara and my major marital woes - my three closest friends and my mom were God's greatest gift to me. Without them four, I would have ruined my marriage. Our intimate community helped save us.
Caveat: first, tell only your close, SAFE friends/family you know love and care for you. Please do not tell the world or go on a social media bashing rant. After you have done the next few steps, you may be in an emotional place where you can tell more about the breakup. People are not entitled to know everything about you the moment it happens. Protect yourself by not going into isolation and inviting the most precious people in your life to help and support you.
Third, master the basics (self-care).
My best friend and trained mental health counselor, Daniel Eccles, regularly checked in on me after my dad died. Every conversation included something about how I was doing with my basic necessities - like eating, drinking water, brushing my teeth, showering, getting up on time for work, etc. Daniel never rushed my healing process or forced me to talk about my feelings, but he always ensured I survived the day well. Take care of your physical and mental well-being. Eat nutritious food (not junk food), exercise regularly, and get enough sleep. Engage in activities that make you feel good and relaxed, whether reading, practicing yoga, walking, or, my favorites, golf and tennis. While grieving the devastating blow of my broken marriage, I started a daily habit of walking for 30 minutes after work each day. Walking for 30 minutes after work each day is a highly effective way to reset and rejuvenate my spirit for Sara and our marriage. Prioritizing self-care saved our marriage. I know this blog post isn't about healing the relationship but about surviving the days after a breakup. Still, the same principles apply here: a simple daily routine that covers your most basic essentials (drinking water, eating, getting to work, and surviving when you get home) will be necessary to heal well and quickly.
Fourth, reflect and learn about yourself through prayer and reading God's Word.
Use this time for self-reflection. What did you learn from the relationship? What can you improve in yourself? Self-awareness is a powerful tool for personal growth. Work to become the best version of yourself. Jesus teaches us his handbook for love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Read these verses and learn to grow through self-reflection by loving yourself and others better. Pray for the Holy Spirit to quiet the voices in your head and grant Him lordship over your grief and pain. Pray that He may heal your heart, mind, and soul through a renewed understanding of unconditional love for yourself and others.
Five, talk with a therapist if needed.
While seeking professional help is not a requirement for everyone, it can offer significant support and guidance for those going through a breakup. Conversations with a therapist foster opportunities for self-reflection and self-growth that we cannot create in our own heads. Let's be honest: our friends and family are well-meaning but can be bad advice-givers. Ha! Therapists will help you process your emotions and loss, help rebuild your self-esteem, set healthy relationship boundaries, self-reflection, grief and loss processing, and more. If you need help finding someone to talk to and/or need help paying for therapy, PLEASE talk to me, and I will get you help ASAP!
Six, embrace the change and avoid rebound relationships.
There is a reason I put this towards the last on the list. This step is essential, but it may fall on deaf ears in the first few days following a breakup. Most don't want to hear about how change is good and growing through life's cruel way of hitting us where it counts. But change is a natural part of life. Embrace the opportunity for personal growth and transformation that comes with a breakup. It's a chance for Jesus to create a better version of you! Here is the trap I see many fall into after a difficult breakup: they quickly enter into a new romantic relationship. I call these rebound relationships. Rebounds can provide temporary relief but are often not conducive to long-term healing. While these rebound relationships may fill your void, you likely need a clearer mind to make wise decisions. Be patient. Take the time to focus on your healing and growth before jumping into a new relationship.
Seven, Forgive and Let go:
Ultimately, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. I want you to read that again: forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. Forgiving your ex and yourself can help you release the emotional burden and move on. Forgiving after a breakup can be a challenging but essential part of healing. Forgiveness is not about condoning or forgetting the pain but rather about letting go of the negative emotions and finding peace within yourself. Here are a few things to remember when it comes to forgiveness:
Understand what forgiveness means: Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to forget or excuse what happened. It's about releasing the anger, resentment, and desire for revenge that can consume you after a breakup. It's a gift you give to yourself, allowing you to move forward.
Practice self-compassion: Forgiveness starts within. Be kind to yourself. Understand that healing is a process, and having moments of anger or sadness is okay. Don't judge yourself for feeling these emotions. If you find you are judging yourself, forgive yourself, too.
Consider writing a forgiveness letter to your ex that they never read: Consider writing a letter to your ex-partner expressing your feelings and thoughts. This can be a therapeutic way to get your emotions out, even if you never intend to send the letter. My wife says she is far better at putting words on paper than telling them. I bet many agree with her. Writing helps us see, know, and acknowledge the feelings we have and helps us understand what forgiveness we need.
In summary:
Breakups can be a painful yet transformative experience. The power of empathy, not only towards your ex-partner but also towards yourself, is the key to healing and growth. Healing from a breakup takes time and is not a linear process. It's okay to have setbacks and moments of sadness. Everyone's journey is unique, and you will recover at your own pace. By following these steps and focusing on what Jesus says about you and his love for you, self-care, self-reflection, and personal growth, you can emerge from a breakup stronger, wiser, and ready for new opportunities. Remember God's promise for you from Psalms 147:3, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
I'm praying for you and with you.