3 Mistakes You Make Communicating to Your Spouse, Boss, Friends…

3 Mistakes You Make Communicating to Your Spouse, Boss, Friends…

I always thought I was great at communication. Heck, I love to talk. I love sharing my feelings with Sara, especially when she engages with me. Communication is often my strong suit. However, for Sara, in our marriage, communication was a critical weakness I needed to focus on. During our second therapy session in March of 2022, Sara said it, and it hit me like an atomic bomb: "You think you are good at communicating, but with me, you are not." After a few minutes of picking up my pride and resisting the temptation to tell her how she may be wrong (only proof I was struggling to communicate well), I listened. And I am so thankful I did. 

Please take a few minutes to read this entire post and consider what practical next steps you can take to improve communication in your relationships. 

Let's start by doing a fun exercise together.

How would you finish this statement? 

"________________. I'm not proud of it, but I stand by it. 

If I was talking to my parents during my teen years, I might say, "I only told you half the story... I'm not proud of it, but I stand by it." 

If I was talking to my coworkers at church, I might say, "Sometimes I wear my AirPods in the office, so no one talks to me... I'm not proud of it, but I stand by it."

If I was talking with a therapist about my anxiety episodes, I might say, "Sometimes I intentionally ghost people because I'm too tired to respond..."

Let's take this deeper: How would you finish this statement if your spouse or boss asked?

I'll go first.

If I was saying this to my wife because of something I did, I might say, "I am the one who left the toilet seat up... I'm not proud of it, but I stand by it." 

My vulnerable example might be, "I haven't been honest with how I feel lately and have projected that onto you... I'm not proud of it, and I hope you will forgive me." 

I ask you this question to help you begin digging deep into your heart and mind to see ways you have communicated poorly in the past. 

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about 3 Things We Learned in Marriage Counseling That Saved Our Marriage that Can Save Your Relationships: Communication, Common Interests, and Intimacy. In this post, which I encourage you to read, I shared these three quick suggestions for improving your communication with your spouse (or with anyone): 

• Repeat it again and again

• Schedule a night together with the television off and keep your phone in "airplane mode."

• Put a time limit on tense conversations.

These are three incredibly effective things you can do today that will produce immediate results. However, repeating something you have yet to think through or putting a time limit on poorly communicated tense conversation will further harm your relationships. 

This article aims to help you improve communication with your spouse, boss, friends, parents, etc., by 1) helping you gain confidence in what you want and need to say and 2) helping you say what you need to say in a way the other person will understand. 

Sara and I have learned so much these last nine months about our marriage, where we sucked, and where we were okay. Communication was undoubtedly a weak point for us. 

1) Why communication is the essential ingredient for a sustainable healthy relationship with anyone and everyone. 

Communication between you and your partner (or any friend) can lead to solving most of your problems calmly. At the beginning of any relationship, communication seems easy and natural. But as time passes and distractions add up, communication slowly dissolves.

After 9 months of daily working on improving our marriage (and 13-plus years of marriage), we know communication is the most critical aspect of any successful relationship. When we communicate effectively with our spouse, we can build a strong bond, understand each other's needs and desires, and work together as a team to navigate the ups and downs of life. On the other hand, when communication breaks down in a marriage, it can lead to misunderstandings, conflict, and even resentment. 

2) How to communicate that makes you irresistible. 

Communication is a broad topic, as there are many forms of communication, such as:

• Verbal communication: spoken, including words and tone of voice

• Nonverbal communication: body language, facial expressions, gestures, 'likes' on Instagram posts

• Written communication: emails, texts, social media posts

I've heard it said that everything is communication, so don't take a moment lightly. The implications are intimidating because, if this is true, every move we make communicates something, even if we don't intend to display something. That leads me to share something I had difficulty learning in marriage therapy, and I bet you do, too: understanding mine and Sara's barriers to effective communication. Please spend some time thinking through your potential communication pitfalls. To kickstart your thinking, here are a few examples of my obstacles to effective communication and some ways to overcome them:

• Misinterpretation of verbal and nonverbal cues: For example, I expect Sara to engage in conversation with me, and when she doesn't talk, which is a form of communication, I interpreted that as she didn't care about how I felt. In turn, she often feels I need to give her more time to think about what she wants to communicate - and patience is not my gift in heated conversations. In a way, we are both right, which snowballed into unhealthy communication patterns and habits.  

• Lack of active listening skills: Active listening involves fully paying attention to what the other person is saying, taking the time to understand their perspective, and showing that you are listening through nonverbal cues and verbal responses. I often only listen to half of what Sara says because I can predict what she will say. Then during the last half of her statement, I prepare my response. THIS IS NOT LISTENING. This is responding. Some specific skills that are involved in active listening include, but are not limited to: giving the speaker your full attention and not preparing your response, avoiding interrupting the speaker, refraining from multitasking while listening, asking clarifying questions to ensure you have a complete understanding of what the speaker is trying to communicate, and only make judgments or interrupt the speaker to offer solutions once you fully understand their perspective.

• Difficulty expressing how you really feel: This is a common problem for many, and for me, a feeling repressed 3 on the Enneagram, this issue may be my most challenging barrier to overcome. Here are a few tips for expressing your emotions in a way that is authentic, effective, and not manipulating:

• Take some time to identify and understand your feelings. This may mean asking to pause the conversation so you can collect your feelings and thoughts before sharing half-truths. This may also mean having a printed copy of a Feelings Wheel to help you identify your core emotions. A question I started asking is; how do I typically react when I feel this way?

• Use "I" statements. Rather than saying, "you made me feel this way," try to express your feelings using "I" statements. This is a big one for Sara and me. Instead, say, "I am hurt when you speak to me with that tone." 

• Avoid accusation or blame. Try focusing on your own feelings rather than placing blame or making accusations. 

Keep these three things in mind for any relationship, as they will be gifts that keep on giving. Practice them and be committed to them. They will only help you to reconnect with your spouse physically and emotionally.  Comment below what you do to improve your communications with those closest to you.

-Jeremy Lefler